If you haven't read this story yet, please go there now. =)

Being told you don't have much time left is not the best feeling in the world...not when you are 70 or 40, and definitely not when you are 20! Well, ok, my doctor didn't really tell me that. He said "We will try our best, Shinta". Not the best thing to hear from a doctor, I can tell you that! So, it was decided that I would have to undergo chemotherapy with the hope that some, if not all the masses in my body would shrink. Not much hope, but hope nonetheless. I was to have 4 cycles of chemo of 3 weeks each, and a week of 'break' in between cycles. So in total, it would take 4 months to finish all 4 cycles. After the 4th cycles, they were hoping that the biggest mass (which was in my ovary) would be smaller by now, & they'd be able to operate.

To tell you the truth, I don't remember at all how I felt. I think I was scared, and nervous. What if I lost all my hair? Would chemo make me nauseous all the time? Would I feel anything? etc etc..Strangely enough, I remember when I was being admitted to the hospital. I remember when the doctor administered the very first dose of chemo. I didn't feel a thing! I was sitting on my bed, feeling just fine, and thinking 'well, this isn't bad at all.'. Wrong!

The next day, I started feeling really dizzy, and started throwing up. The smell of food made me nauseous. It wasn't fun at all, but I survived that first cycle. 3 weeks later, I had to start the 2nd cycle. Somehow, I survived that one too, although everything was very blurry in my mind now. I don't remember when I started losing my hair, but I do remember when all but a few strands were left. I remember watching 'The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers", and saw Gollum for the first time, and burst out laughing because I thought I looked exactly like him! (Thank God for a sense of humour!).

Being on a hospital bed for such a long time, I had a lot of time to think, and soon I started to think about life and death. Where would I go if I were to die? Would I go to Heaven? and with a heavy startled heart, I realized I wouldn't. I had known the Lord Jesus as a little girl, but never truly had a relationship with him. I had even turned my back on Him as a teenager up till then.

My doctor, whom I call Opa, came to visit me everyday. He tried to come in the morning, but when he was too busy, he would come in the evening. The thing I love the most about him is that he treated me more as a person than as a patient. He asked me how I felt (both in my body and in my heart). He stroked my hands. He smiled at me. When he prayed for me, he would hold my hands in his. In him, I saw Jesus.

Other doctors, who weren't even my doctors, would come and visit too. They would sit and talk to me. They would bring books that they knew I would love. They would talk about stuff other than my sickness. They talked to me about God, and His love. They prayed for me. In them, I saw Jesus.

Nurses, and hospital staff came from time to time, just to say hi, and most of the time to sit, and chat. All had the same message: "The Lord loved me, and His plan was not for me to perish". On my birthday, they came and sang happy birthday. They brought fruits for me. They too, prayed for me. In them, I saw Jesus too.

Some people remember the very hour they accepted the Lord as their personal saviour. I don't. Mine was more like a slow walk with Him as He revealed Himself & His love to me. I remember a missionary nurse came to me one day, and showed me a verse in the Bible. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I thought about that verse for the longest time. What kind of hope and a future did I have? but again, God revealed it to me slowly, in the course of a few years even. Back then, He was more interested in revealing Himself & His love to me. So, I learned about Him more and more everyday, developed a relationship with Him, & fell in love with Him.

As my relationship with the Lord grew, my fear of the unknown lessened. I knew my future was in God's hands. Should He decide that I were to live, praise the Lord. Should He decide to call me home, praise the Lord! One thing that didn't change though was that I was still struggling with cancer. I still threw up every 5 minutes. My head hurt almost everyday. I couldn't eat. I couldn't drink. I had burnmarks all over my body, some of which I still have. I was bald too. I was beyond skinny. I was, literally, a walking skeleton.

One day, after my 4th cycle of chemo, I had a CT Scan. The result came back real bad. The cancer was still as big as ever. There was nothing the doctors could do. So, they told me to go to Malaysia again, where they would have better equipments, and more qualified doctors. So, I did.

In Malaysia, I had another CT Scan. The result? Weird! The oncologist said the biggest cancer (the one in my ovary) was small, and operable!! Hallelujah! So, I called my doctor in Indonesia (Opa), and he said if that was the case they'd be able to operate on me in Indonesia. (Medical expenses are a lot more expensive in Malaysia than in Indonesia! Plus the hospital I was in in Indonesia was a mission hosptial, which meant it was even cheaper than any other hospital in Indonesia).

So, I went back to Indonesia. Upon looking at the CT Scan result that I had from Malaysia, Opa told me to have another ultrasound for a comparison. The result?? even weirder! The cancer was not smaller! It was the same as before! Did the doctor in Malaysia make a mistake. Perhaps! or perhaps the cancer had grown again in the few days that I was off chemo? Perhaps! I don't know! I would never know, I guess.

This was really a head scratcher! This time, Opa told me to go to Jakarta (the capital of Indonesia), and perhaps I could get a radiation there to shrink the cancer, or at least get a second opinion. I asked if there was no way Opa could just operate on me. He said, no. He wasn't a surgeon, although as a missionary doctor he'd done more than enough surgeries, but he wasn't willing to do this one because he felt it was too dangerous. So, I had to go to Jakarta, and off I went.

to be continued....